Cannabis Correspondence

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Tips and pointers for your Halloweed.

Time once again to answer Stoner Mail! Given the season, I’m going with a Halloween theme.

I’m worried about some idiot putting weed-laced candy in my kid’s stash-bag on Halloween. I know a lot of the urban legends about razor blades in apples were bunk, but this genuinely scares me. Should it? —Bryan, Bothell

There are plenty of things for parents to worry about, but having your child get his or her grubby hands on marijuana-laced candy should be low on your priority list. While I do despise cannabis edibles that look like kids’ candy (there’s no reason for ganja gummy bears or Reefer’s Peanut Butter Cups), we’ve now had three years of trick-or-treating in legal weed states—and not one incident involving THC-laden candy disguised as store-bought. There are, of course, plenty of items that can kill yer kid, but pot’s not one: Aspirin killed 7,500 Americans last year, peanuts another 100. Hell, since 2010, poison-control-center hotlines have seen a 400 percent increase in calls in which whippersnappers got drunk on hand sanitizer! Selfieskilled four people this year, vending machines another three! And those colorful laundry-detergent pods that actually look like candy have poisoned 17,200 children under the age of 6 in the past year—so I’d definitely check the Halloween bag for those suckers!

Speaking of suckers: Every Jolly Rancher, every Almond Joy, and every kernel of that disgusting caramel corn that your kids chow down is made from sugar—which not only increases cavities and weight gain, but is proven to raise blood pressure as well as increase the chances for cardiovascular mortality—which means death. Spooooky!

Finally, even if some idiot does spend a ton of money and hand out weed-laced lollipops, brownies, or gummy bears, let’s remember this: No one ever has died from marijuana. Not. One. Person. Happy Halloween. Enjoy it.

Very few kids ever come down our dark, scary alley to trick or treat on Halloween, so there’s always a massive amount of leftover candy. My girlfriend and me use the leftover stash for when we get the munchies the rest of the year. So the question is, what do we buy?Soon-to-Be-Gorging George, Georgetown

You do know you don’t have to eat all the leftover candy, right? HA! Just kidding! Of course you do! It’s an American tradition. Though my personal favorites are Twizzlers, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Twix bars, your smartest move might be something healthier. And no, I’m not talking about giving out kale chips; this isn’t Russia. They make mini-packs of tasty and healthy stuff like Pirate’s Booty, gluten-free kettle corn, string cheese, Goldfish crackers, even bags of Halloween-themed carrots (renamed Scarrots for the season!). You could also skip the sugar-laden bombs all together and hand out spooky stickers, glow sticks, spider rings, terrifying temporary tattoos, or skeleton-shaped Post-It notes. I’d go with the Twizzlers. God. I love Twizzlers . . . If you really want to be PC, participate in the Halloween Candy Buyback, an organization that buys excess candy from kids and ships it to our troops overseas (along with toothbrushes).

My 9-year-old daughter wants to be a giant marijuana leaf for Halloween. It’s legal now. What do you think? —Mary, Maple Leaf

I think you should think about whether you’d want your kid dressing up as a vodka bottle, Lotto ticket, RedBull can, AK-47, Viagra pill, or pack of Winston Lights. While marijuana is safer than all those, the point is that none are for kids; in addition, a child of 9 may not understand the larger implications of dressing like a plant that can get you stoned out of your mind and is not great for the developing brain. Same with Cheech & Chong costumes, bigger-than-life bongs, or giant overinflated bags of weed. No, no, and no.

You could have your girl dress up as Charlotte Figi, age 9, whose epileptic seizures were greatly reduced through the use of a high-CBD and low-THC cannabis extract (and who now has a famous strain, Charlotte’s Web, named after her), which led to new medical-marijuana laws across the land. But a better idea is to have a conversation with your daughter about how, while the marijuana plant is extremely beautiful (as are the opium poppy, coca, and agave plants), cannabis is for grown-ups. Then make her into a sunflower, a rose, or, if she’s still feeling badass, poison ivy, a black dahlia, or a Venus flytrap. Everyone loves those—and you won’t get her tossed out of school in case she wants to wear it to class.

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