Counterintuitive but true: Pot can make you more productive.
One of my favorite things to do is get stoned to the bejesus and clean house. And I’m not just talking about casual dusting, either; I’m talking about down on your belly, shoving the long extension vacuum tool deep under the bed and sucking up dust mites and fur balls, only to discover long-lost socks, exercise equipment, underwear (whose are those?!), and enough change to go out and buy MORE weed to smoke and then Shop-Vac the garage. In this way, stoned cleaning is a sustainable endeavor.
Hyperactive cleaning, you may say—but that’s counterintuitive! The stereotype, of course, is that smoking marijuana puts you on the couch, not wildly vacuuming under it. But like so much Reefer Madness, the clichés are all wrong. Turns out cannabis has been proven to aid in focus and concentration, as the body contains cannabinoid receptors for THC that can stimulate and modulate our brain’s neurotransmitters. In states where medical marijuana is legal, it’s even being used to treat attention-deficit disorders, replacing prescription stimulants like Adderall, Ritalin, and Concerta that have nasty side effects and withdrawal symptoms.
“Cannabis appears to treat ADD and ADHD by increasing the availability of dopamine,” noted Dr. David Bearman, who has spent 40 years looking into drug-abuse treatment and uses for medical marijuana. “This then has the same effect but is a different mechanism of action than stimulants like Ritalin (methylphenidate) and dexedrine amphetamine, which act by binding to the dopamine and interfering with the metabolic breakdown of dopamine.”
I know what the Doc’s talkin’ about! When I smoke weed, the THC gives my often scattered flea-brain laser-focus; I’m like Mr. Clean on steroids—intensely scrubbing the grout, determinedly deodorizing and disinfecting, even fire-hosing the disgusting recycling bins caked with foodstuff, wine splatter, and spaghetti sauce. Two-fisted Cannabis Clean!
“The most accepted theory about ADHD rests on the fact that about 70 percent of the brain’s function is to regulate input to the other 30 percent,” Dr. Bearman corroborates. “Basically the brain is overwhelmed with too much information coming too fast. In ADHD, the brain is cluttered with and too aware of all the nuances of a person’s daily experience.” In essence, pot can drive millions of incoming ideas out of your monkey mind, and allow you to focus on the tasks at hand—like spiderweb removal whilst listening to The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars.
For me, getting baked is like a triple espresso, with a shot of spiritual matcha chai on the side. My attitude is energetic and focused, with a little theatrical whimsy thrown in for good measure. Suddenly an overwhelming task such as organizing the jam-packed kitchen drawers becomes an important NASA mission! Run by Commander Clutter-be-Gone, the vital undertaking will be executed quickly, efficiently, and with a few odd brogue verbal commands uttered randomly throughout the exercise. High on ganja, the steps become crystal-clear: EVERYTHING must be dumped on the counter, and items slowly reintegrated into the newly labelled (and vacuumed!) drawers: Sharp Things, FSK, Expired Coupons, TupperWare, and a Catch-All drawer for rubber bands, pens, matches, odd keys, and those fawking square things you twist around a plastic bread bag. Two hours later I’ve made Martha Stewart look like a disorganized lowbrow street thug. Not only are the new drawers impeccably organized, they’ve been lined beautifully with all that excess wrapping paper I couldn’t find a place for.
Now has marijuana ever derailed my efforts at cleaning? Yes. Certainly. In fact, I once began with a toilet wand in my hand and somehow wound up naked in my living room under one of the most amazing pillow forts ever created.
Stoned cleaning sometimes leads to related but tangential tasks, such as trips to the refrigerator (more for munching than defrosting), getting lost in family photo albums, and cleaning out closets. While conducting a fashion show for my friend Julie (to determine which items needed to be given away), I began to see how truly cluttered my life had become. Who needs five baseball hats and a dozen belts? Getting rid of the weight of 1,000 unworn Tommy Bahama shirts lifted my worldly burden, and I began tossing unwanted paperweights, plastic cups, filing cabinets, and additional tchotchkes that not only were cluttering my overcrowded physical space, but, more important, my mind, man!
Chipping away at the inside of my microwave the other day, I came to another reefer-induced realization: What do I really know about this strange food-warming machine? What is a “micro-wave,” and what are the effects of molecules being radiated in this way? And why did I choose a toothbrush to clean the grit and grime when a chisel or power-washer would have been far more apt? I pulled my head out of the nuclear device, unplugged the thing, and put it on top of the ever-growing Goodwill pile, then began scrubbing the empty space on the counter.
“When it comes to clean, there’s only one Mr.”: Mr. Chronic.
Holy smokes—I think I missed a spot!
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Patient Protection Act, My Ass
How recreational-marijuana legalization is screwing medical-marijuana access.
Washington continues to take one step forward and seven steps back in our legalization experiment. With new laws rapidly eroding the voter-approved Medical Use of Marijuana Act of 1998, the cannabis community is deeply divided between the “haves” (recreational retailers, growers, and processors) and the “have-nots” (medical-marijuana patients and dispensaries). What does this grave new world look like?
No-Man’s Land
Dispensaries and collective gardens are being shut down across Washington, leaving the state’s estimated 175,000 medical patients to wonder how in the hell they’re going to get their medicine. They aren’t likely to find it at recreational stores, which have little incentive to sell medicinal items such as low-THC edibles, transdermal patches, topicals, or cannabis suppositories.King County and the Seattle City Council have voted to begin shutting down “unlicensed” dispensaries, and are sending Cease and Desist orders to collectives. Dispensaries also have been notified that if they continue to operate as unlicensed retail outlets, they’ll face civil and criminal ramifications. Problem is, there are nomedical-dispensary licenses under 502, and currently no guidelines for them to apply. The official application period for 502 stores ended in December 2013, and no new applications for medicinal stores will be taken until next July. And until the (Liquor and) Cannabis Board approves these new applications, patients are stuck in the middle of a cannabis clusterfuck. In addition, dozens of counties and towns are banning legal marijuana stores in their jurisdictions, not only ignoring the will of the voters but denying access for those using medical cannabis.
Patient “Protection”
As noted previously in this column (“Marijuana Is Medicine,” April 29), Senate Bill 5052, signed into law by Governor Inslee in April, is a draconian piece of crap that will overhaul (aka eliminate) a medical system that was up and running long before recreational marijuana was even a seedling. Last week, part of the bill—which in an Orwellian twist has been deemed the Cannabis Patient Protection Act—went into effect with a slew of regressive rules, tailor-made to force longtime medical users into either taxable retail stores or back underground. The new law drastically cuts the number of plants a patient can have. No more than 15 plants can now be grown in a single housing unit, regardless of the number of patients or designated providers who reside there. This directly impacts thousands of patients who are unable to grow (or afford) marijuana themselves and belong to collective gardens, which previously allowed up to 45 plants for 10 individuals. Many of these collectives also prepare edibles for patients who cannot smoke, as well as cannabis oils, balms, and tinctures for a wide variety of maladies.No House Calls
Practitioners can no longer go to a patient’s home or set up a location outside of their permanent office to evaluate, assess, or examine for a qualifying condition; this eliminates satellite clinics, which doctors often set up in rural areas where few health professionals were available to write authorizations for medial marijuana. (We’d hate for Grandma to get too comfortable and be evaluated for her Parkinson’s or Crohn’s disease anywhere near her home in Black Diamond.)Feeding the Paranoia
Health-care practitioners can no longer run an office with the sole purpose of authorizing medical recommendations. (I mean, why have anyone specialize in the ailments that may be alleviated by cannabis?) If a health-care practitioner writes more than 30 authorizations for medical marijuana in a single month, he or she must now report the number to the Washington Department of Health.You don’t have to be paranoid to be nervous about doctors handing over charts and records to various state boards and commissions which point out that their patients are committing felonies at the federal level. And the paranoia won’t stop there. This particularly nerve-wracking requirement will be eliminated a year from now . . . when the new “voluntary” registry takes effect. You don’t sign up—you get no tax break for medical weed.
The Budtender Is Not In
A final absurd nail: Medical patients, who will now need to get their cannabis from recreational outlets, will not be able to discuss medical solutions to their various ailments and illnesses with store budtenders. It’s strictly against Liquor and Cannabis rules.A Positive for Veterans
There was one positive outcome from Washington’s legislative changes: Post-traumatic stress disorder is now one of the conditions that a medical provider can cite to authorize the use of marijuana.Even this seeming no-brainer wasn’t a shoo-in: Colorado’s Board of Health recently rejected PTSD as a qualifying condition, saying they wanted further research, despite their own Colorado Scientific Advisory Council’s recommendation that it be added.
Veterans have testified at the state and federal level in their efforts to allow cannabis to treat a variety of conditions ex-military personnel face, including depression, anxiety, insomnia, traumatic brain injuries, and pain relief. According to the Department of Veteran Affairs, an average of 22 veterans kill themselves every day. While the feds do not allow military personnel to use cannabis during their service or as part of post-service treatment plans through the Veterans Administration, if there are any ways to alleviate their suffering, we should obviously explore them. #SupportOurTroops
More regulations that will eliminate safe medical-marijuana access points take effect next July, including rules on licensing and product testing, collective garden requirements, and shutting down all current medical dispensaries and potentially licensing them as retail stores. Lawsuits and Initiatives to overturn both Initiative 502 and portions of 5052 and stop the closure of medical dispensaries have been filed by the Association of Safe Access Points (saveaccesswa.com andasapwa.org), Real Legalization (reallegalization.org), and others. The Legalization Experiment clumsily continues.
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Turkeys of the Year
Time to reveal this year’s cannabis turkeys—the fattest, most frivolous, flapping, dumb-ass ideas in need of being stuffed, baked, and smoked once and for all.
Let’s start with a turkey large enough for the whole family, and by that I mean Gov. Chris Christie. He not only had the nerve to call cannabis a gateway drug, but said potheads lack restraint (ahem). “If I’m elected president I will go after marijuana smokers and the states that allow them to smoke,” he said. “I’ll shut them down big-time. I’m sick of these addicts, sick of these liberals with no self-control.” Governor GobbleGobble got in one more zinger on the campaign trail: “If you’re getting high in Colorado today, enjoy it,” Christie lectured a small crowd last month. “As of January 2017, I will enforce the federal laws.” Don’t hold your breath, Guv. Well, unless you inhaled, of course.
Last week the DEA chief, Chuck Rosenberg, called medical cannabis “a joke.” “What really bothers me is the notion that marijuana is also medicinal—because it’s not,” said pilgrim Rosenberg. “We can have an intellectually honest debate about whether we should legalize something that is bad and dangerous, but don’t call it medicine—that is a joke . . . If you talk about smoking the leaf of marijuana—which is what people are talking about when they talk about medicinal marijuana—it has never been shown to be safe or effective as a medicine.” Hilarious joke for those being aided by cannabis for everything from epileptic seizures to Parkinson’s, chronic pain, PTSD, and more. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-OR) slammed this diatribe from the House floor, calling Rosenberg “an inept, misinformed zealot who has mismanaged America’s failed policy of marijuana prohibition.” A change.org petition created for this turkey’s removal currently bears more than 100,000 signatures.
The State of Kansas is still attempting to put Shona Banda, an author and medical-marijuana patient, in prison after her young son accidentally outed her in a D.A.R.E. presentation. Banda, who uses cannabis oil to treat her Crohn’s disease, had her 11-year-old taken from her when he challenged the school presentation’s accuracy based on his own firsthand knowledge that marijuana was helping his mom battle her illness. Though her son has since been returned, Banda is still facing felony criminal charges, including distribution or possession with intent to distribute a controlled substance within 1,000 feet of school property; unlawful manufacture of a controlled substance; possession of drug paraphernalia; and child endangerment. Banda, who faces 28 years in prison, will be arraigned in January, and has become a spokesperson for legalization, bringing national attention to the absurdity of the charges. As hemp farmer Thomas Jefferson said, “If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so.” Or in this case, a woman.
Ohio’s failed legalization initiative gets the Wishbone Award, screwing up not once but in two pieces! First, the deeply flawed law was a greedy attempt to make billions for the 10 millionaires who wrote and backed the initiative in the first place; second, it introduced the world to Buddy, a regrettable marijuana mascot who resembles Joe Camel. Sixty-four percent of voters clearly saw what a sham this attempted oligopoly was, and voted it down. But ya know who did support this anti-free market boondoggle? The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws. For that, NORML gets a Dumb-Stick. Not everything with the words “marijuana” and “legalization” is a good idea, pals.
A 420-friendly resort called CannaCamp was set to open July 1 in a gorgeous wilderness area outside Durango, Colo. In addition to scenic cabins, weed-infused dinners, and baked yoga classes, the Mary Jane Group offered high hiking and a cannabis concierge on its 170 marijuana-friendly acres. Unfortunately, the stoners at the MJ Group didn’t get the details about the ranch’s sale a month before cannabis-campers were set to arrive. “Dude. Where’s my ranch?!”
While the Colorado CannaCampers are now looking for a new location, here in Washington we’ve got hundreds of CannaCampgrounds for all to enjoy! They’re called parks, and our beautiful state is chock full of ’em! (Disclaimer: It is illegal to smoke in local, state, or national parks. Enjoy!)
Finally, the biggest Turkey of ’Em All was . . . the DEA! In addition to the 700,000 annual arrests still taking place for marijuana-related offenses (now there’s a harvest!), our Drug Enforcement Administration is continuing to put up major roadblocks when it comes to even researching the benefits of medical cannabis.
The solution to carving up this mega-turkey is simple: Take marijuana off the controlled-substances schedule—which currently equates pot with heroin and meth and states it has “no medically accepted use” and a “high potential for abuse.” This will allow doctors and scientific researchers to begin exploring, producing, and testing the medical benefits of this plant without fear of arrest. Put that in your pipe and stuff it. #ThankfulforLegalization
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Out-of-the-Box Thinking
Imaginative approaches to pot laws.
It’s no surprise that some of the people working to reform marijuana laws are a little out of the norm, shall we say. And with the era of Reefer Madness waning, it also makes sense that weed advocates and drug-policy reformers would begin to try new—some might even say wacky—approaches. Here are some personal favorites.
BAN FARTS
Hundreds of cities and municipalities in legal states have attempted to ban marijuana with various ordinances, but now there’s one related to the smell itself. The city of Pendleton, Ore., recently banned the odor of weed within the city limits. To counter this ridiculous regulation, a man wrote the local paper, the East Oregonian, suggesting that if they are opposed to the aroma of ganja, they should also ban farts—as that dank cloud truly is offensive. “While farting may be legal in Oregon, many (including myself) are offended by the flatulent stench,” wrote Peter Walters. “Too often, homeowners and businesses fail to contain farts to their property, forcing the rest of us to put up with the smell. Some habitual farters argue that they need to fart for medical reasons, but that doesn’t mean my kids should have to smell their farts. The city council should stop looking the other way and pretending not to notice . . . I call on our city council to set aside all other work and address this problem.”Recreational cannabis and its sweet—or stinky—scent are fully legal in Oregon beginning July 1. If a person complains about a marijuana odor coming from a person’s property in Pendleton, under the city ordinance, they can be fined $500. I suggest that he who smelt it may actually have dealt it.
BOOZE AND TOBACCO TOO
My favorite political strategy in the legalization movement comes from South Dakota, where an activist has proposed several initiatives to ban alcohol and tobacco, to make state policies “consistent” with the penalties related to cannabis. Bob Newland, of Consistent South Dakota, is hoping to put a measure before voters in 2016 that would make it illegal to transfer tobacco or tobacco paraphernalia from one person or one business to another. The second initiative bans the sale of any alcoholic beverage containing one percent or more ethyl alcohol. Breaking either of these laws would be a Class 1 misdemeanor, punishment of which is up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine—similar to the current laws for marijuana possession.“I think South Dakota law at the very least should be consistent,” Newland said at a press conference. “If you’re going to put them in jail for a benign herb, they should be put in jail for alcohol and tobacco—the deadly drugs.”
The organization still needs to collect 13,000 signatures to place this on next year’s November ballot, though, according to the attorney general, the measure may be challenged in court on constitutional grounds. Regardless of whether it qualifies, it kinda makes ya think. Fair is fair.
SACRAMENTAL SMOKES
What started as a nasty attempt to refuse gay couples service in Indiana has been turned on its head, sowing the seeds of a new religious organization: the First Church of Cannabis. The state’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act was supposedly designed to protect religion from government infringement. (There’s so much of that going around these days . . . ) Instead, in practice, it allowed business owners to refuse service to same-sex couples, such as a florist who wouldn’t make flower arrangements for a gay wedding and an Italian-restaurant owner who felt he couldn’t be a good Christian and deliver pizzas to homosexuals.Seeing opportunity in a burning bush, Bill Levin decided his own fiery faith called upon him to fire up a fatty, and founded the First Church of Cannabis. As the new law requires the state government to have “a compelling interest” if it attempts to impose limits or curtail any religious practice, the Chronic Church is planning to hold services that will include the smoking of a particular holy herb to “light up” the sanctuary.
“This is what I live by, and I have more faith in this religion than any other,” said Levin (who also goes by the name Minister of Love). “This is my lifestyle. This is millions of people’s lifestyle.”
Levin not only preaches the healing powers of the cannabis plant, but says consuming ganja can rid the body of the poisons in processed foods and sugary soft drinks. (No need to preach, brother—I’m a convert!)
The church’s holy bionic is tax free, as last week, the IRS granted the organization tax-exempt status. Even without a Sunday School or hall to hold services, the First Hemp Temple has built quite a following since its founding. A GoFundMe campaign has already raised more than $15,000. Levin, known to the church as Grand Poobah, plans to hold the first official service on July 1, the day the state’s new Religious Freedom Restoration Act takes effect.
And I thought I was the only one who smoked religiously . . .
