Shooting down a few anti-legalization arguments.
“They’re talking about opening a weed stand, or whatever, right next to my kids’ school,” the woman began, reaching for a plastic cup of wine during ArtWalk. “I mean, they’re already getting drunk. Now this will make a second thing we’re allowing for!”
I gently reminded her that both of those things were illegal for minors, but she would have none of it.
“Seriously. The parties they go to are beyond,” she said, gazing at an out-of-this-world painting on the gallery wall. “From eighth grade on, there is alcohol at most of their socials. That’s already happening. So to add another drug that can mess up their minds . . . ”
I understood the fear she was experiencing. Parenting is terrifying. I get it; I had a teenage daughter once. (Good lord.) But one way to alleviate some of the fear about our kids having sex or smoking dope or getting shot on the playground is by clarifying some of the misinformation and having open dialogue. (That’s the theory.)
“To be honest, I’d rather have my kid on weed than alcohol, ma’am.” She was only a few years older than me, but we hadn’t been properly introduced. “I mean, alcohol kills 46,000 people a year, prescription drug ODs kill another 17,000. And let’s not forget cigarettes!” (440,000 deaths a year.) “And so when it comes to these kids drinking and driving or smoking and driving . . . I’d prefer they had cannabis.”
Jesus. I’d wanted to come off as even-handed and open-minded, and now I was advocating that the youngsters hotbox in their daddy’s Chevrolet.
“Do you have kids!?” she inquired. “It’s hard enough. I mean, the store is going to be right there. At the foot of the school!”
I didn’t want to get into the specifics of her increasingly incoherent argument—in Washington state, recreational shops must be at least 1,000 feet from schools, playgrounds, libraries, game arcades, public-transit centers, or parks. But I did feel the need to make one point.
“I’m sorry, miss—what was your name?”
“Jane.”
“Hi, Jane. Can I call you Mary Jane?” (Blank stare.) “I’m kidding. Listen, I totally agree that we should try to keep drugs away from young people.” I felt myself go into talking-points mode, but I couldn’t stop. “And I know this seems counterintuitive, but teen drug use has gone down in the states where it’s legal. That’s just a fact.”
I knew right when it came out of my mouth that it was too preachy, but I’ve learned a few things writing this column. One is that kids don’t know shit about cannabis, other than that it is, and always has been, easy to get. A new 2014 Health Use Survey shows that a significant number of 10th and 12th graders don’t believe there are risks in weekly marijuana use. (On this, they’re obviously pinheads—pot is not great for the developing brain.) It also found that parents were also clueless: Only 57 percent knew the legal age of recreational weed (as compared to 71 percent of kids), and only 63 percent understood you’re not allowed to grow it at home.
“Why make matters worse?” she railed, spilling chardonnay on my shoes. “There are already so many drugs: They take Ecstasy and prescription pills! I’m telling you—what I heard is that they walk right in and order, like a Starbucks or something.”
“Thing is, Jane, recreational-marijuana stores are not selling to high-school kids. They’re just like bars—they don’t want to get shut down for not checking IDs. Besides, whoever is selling your kid a bag of weed behind the Port-a-Pottys at Lakeside is not going to be asking if they’re 21, and there won’t be a warning label listing the THC levels.”
We stared at a painting that could have been a giant bong or a lovely vase—it kind of depended on your perspective.
“The new stuff is just so much stronger, you can OD on it,” she said with a smile-ish smirk that made me want to hug-strangle her. “I read something in the paper about synthetic marijuana killing these kids at a party in Florida.”
“Yes, and they should stop calling it marijuana. AstroTurf would be a better name, because it’s not really marijuana. Jane, there are all kinds of deadly drugs out there, but pot’s never killed anyone. Not one person.”
I was going to ask her if she’d ever tried cannabis, but could tell I’d already pushed her personal boundaries. “Have you talked to your . . . daughter, is it? About weed?” I asked meekly. “About marijuana?”
Her eyebrows would have gone higher if they could have. “Talked? To her about pot?! What would we say? I mean, she knows we don’t approve.”
“That’s great! A recent study from the UW showed that kids listen to their parents more than anyone else—even their own friends. And the ones who know their parents disapprove are way less likely to try pot.”
“Well that’s good, I guess,” she replied, looking me in the eye for the first time.
“The other thing is that talking to kids about weed works better than punishment.” A raised eyebrow. “In this study [from the UW’s School of Social Work], students who got suspended after smoking pot kept smoking pot. But if the kid gets sent to a counselor, they’re 50 percent less likely to smoke!”
“I assume you get stoned.”
I pulled the wine bottle out of the tub of ice. “I use all kinds of legal drugs, Jane,” I said, topping us off. “Takes the edge off of being a grown-up . . . ”
This article first appeared in the Seattle Weekly.
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Higher Ground: Pot for Pets
Can weed give our furry companions happier lives and more peaceful deaths?
Remember the right-wing homophobes who claimed that if we allowed gays to get married, pretty soon people would begin marrying their pets? Well, now, the damn hippies who voted to legalize the wacky weed are indeed trying to get their dogs and cats stoned! Hooked on the hound hemp! The kitty chronic!?Companies like Seattle-based Canna-Pet and Canna Companion sell cannabinoid treats for dogs and cats—not to get them high (the hemp biscuits and capsules have very low levels of THC), but to help with joint discomfort and inflammation, and hopefully to make that yappy poodle across the street calm the fuck down.
Recently the Food and Drug Administration began cracking down on pooch-pot peddlers for some of the claims made in their marketing materials. The FDA wants phrases like “anti-cancer” and “anti-tumor” taken off Canna-Pet’s packaging, as those medical claims have not been proven.
Canna Companion, from Snohomish County, says their products are all-natural, and inhibit cancer-cell growth and reduce inflammation. Clinical trials monitored by the FDA haven’t taken place, because of course at the federal level, the testing or sale of marijuana is a felony offense—not to mention it’s hard to get Fido to fill out the post-trial questionnaire. Cats are better at giving feedback, but are prone to hissy fits in the comments section.
Similar to humans, domesticated animals have endocannabinoid systems and can potentially be physically and psychologically aided by ingesting cannabis. While industrial hemp hasn’t been proven as a puppy painkiller, many vets and owners have had success using the stuff to help pets gain weight after sicknesses and surgery, as well as to provide pain relief during end-of-life stages. Los Angeles veterinarian Doug Kramer told the Associated Press that he’s had more than 300 patients use cannabis to help everything from infections to separation anxiety to feline immunodeficiency virus to irritable-bowel syndrome (which I thought was the very definition of being a pet). Talk about skunk weed!
After giving his husky, Nikita, cannabis oils for her terminal cancer, Dr. Kramer said she gained weight and was able to live an extra six pain-free weeks before having to be euthanized. “I grew tired of euthanizing pets when I wasn’t doing everything I could to make their lives better,” Kramer noted. “I felt like I was letting them down.”
Things are going a bit too far in Nevada, where, as part of a bill to overhaul their medical-marijuana laws, state Senator Tick Segerblom proposed a Pot-for-Pets provision that would require animal owners to apply for medical-marijuana cards. Cards would be issued only if a vet wrote a detailed description of how Count Flufferton’s condition might be aided with Puppy Chow Dank. Good Lord, it’s hard enough for folks to clean up after their pets, much less register them for a Canine Cannabis Card. Feed ’em all the Purina Cheeba ya want, as far as I’m concerned—just pick up the poop!
Veterinarians agree that feeding a pet straight marijuana or blowing pot smoke in Mr. Bigglesworth’s snout is never a good idea; most companies marketing for pets are using all-natural hemp treats, cannabis oils, and glycerin tinctures that can be put into the water bowl.
Not surprisingly, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has something to say on the matter. “Our position is that anything that can help animals,” stated President Ingrid Newkirk, “if it’s truly, properly administered in the right amount and can relieve a dog’s pain—then they should be given the same consideration that humans in pain are given.” (No comment on whether PETA gives ganja to the tens of thousands of pets they euthanize at their shelters after not finding homes for the non-rescued souls . . . )
While weed’s not a cure-all for everything; it’s also not gonna kill you (or your chronic companion). My neighbor’s golden retriever, Bailey, not only drank half a gallon of paint I had (stupidly) left out one summer day, but also chowed the brush and sponge inside it. She hurled a lovely shade of Benjamin Moore chartreuse-green for a week, but went on to live—and crap in my yard—for another decade. The bottom line is this: I don’t care if Snoopy gets high as the Red Baron on Snoop Dog Bud-Bones, just keep that pooch away from my personal stash. The steak’s for me. Lassie gets the leftovers.
This article first appeared in the Seattle Weekly.
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The High End: The Most Expensive, Outrageous, Over-the-Top Cannabis Products in the World
With mad props to the free-lovin, long-haired Bohemian hippies who paved the way for the progressive-potheads of my own era, if we’re ever going to make the last push toward national legalization (and more importantly, decriminalization), we’re going to need to appeal to mainstream America. Get the marijuana moms and cannabis-closeted executives on board. Appeal to the stiletto stoners and ganjapreneurs. Make pot smoking as appealing to the masses as mixology and martini shakers were in the Mad Men era. (Without the part where everyone drinks themselves to death…). #CannabisIsSafer
Point is, we’re kicking it up a notch. Crappy bongs and aluminum-can pipes will no longer fit in with our terrific new townhouse. That gunked-up grinder needs to be swapped out for gold! Zig Zags and Zippos? Replaced by vaporizers and Tiffany torches!
Legal cannabis is the fastest-growing market in the country (posting $6.7 billion in revenue last year—a 30 percent increase). This Green Rush has created amazing innovation and glorious gadgets for the upscale cannabis clientele. Indeed, we’ve upgraded the hardware. Introducing: The High End. (Check out the video version here.)
If we all had these bongs, we’d get along
Blackened, slimy, swamp water-filled plastic bongs are no longer how we roll. Gorgeous glass is now available at every price level from an impressive array of artists. If budget’s not an issue (make sure ya save something to buy weed), nothing’s classier than a stunning piece from the artisans at Mothership Glass (below).
For pure spectacle, I’m partial to the Grav Labs Menorah—an eight-bowl bubbler that can be used on Hanukkah, or any day you want to make a high holiday.
In the event you’re interested in the most expensive bong in history, it’s this gold-encrusted skull from Scott Deppe. This show piece runs more than $100,000, so yer gonna want to be careful with that thing…
Coming back down to earth, a new breed of American-made ceramic pipes have sparked major interest, including individually crafted gems from Stonedware and Summerland that would just as easily fit into a museum as your nightstand.
While you can still rock a vintage Bob Marley t-shirt or hemp bracelet, canna-fashion is again cutting edge. Alexander Wang’s current designs bring cannabis motifs to the runway on bags and mini-skirts.
High-end designer Jacquie Aiche has created a Sweet Leaf collection inspired by marijuana leaves and worn by Rihanna, Kate Mara and Gigi Hadid. Her Sweet Hoops are also all the rage; they better be sweet for five grand.
Need bigger bling? Fashion maven Vetements, known for couture collections, is selling a gold ganja grinder that can be worn as a necklace or pocket watch.
When it comes to high-fashion, my personal preference is the (fake) Rolex. Notice the green band?!
The Cannabis Connoisseur can clear the counter of clutter and freshen the space with the CannaCloud—essentially the “Keurig of Cannabis!” Made by CannaKorp, this high-end vaporizing system uses single-smoke pods, but unlike those java machines, pours a perfect plume. The CannaCloud is cheap ($150), but they get ya with the individual cPods (at around $7 per unit), which come in various flavors including sativa, hybrid, indica and CBD only strains.
Fully automated infusers like the LEVO will soon be joining the juicer and Cuisinart on countertops. The LEVO is a sophisticated kitchen appliance that makes infused butters and oil. And while the LEVO will infuse butter with herbs and fruits and nutrients, the main purpose is to put your weed in there! Even if, like me, you couldn’t cook your way out of a paper bag, the copper LEVO will still look lovely on your countertop.
Along with sun-grown, small batch, all-organic cannabis, consumers are looking for healthier ways to inhale. The style and sophistication of top of the line vaporizers like the DaVinci IQ, PAX and PuffCo fit right alongside high tech laptops and digital devices, and avoid traditional smoke via convection heat.
The most expensive vaporizer around ($600) was created by former NASA engineers, and while it won’t shoot you to the Moon, the Herbalizer is like having an alien in your living room. These limited edition machines are futuristic and allow users to enjoy herb in a variety of ways, including Aromatherapy, Vaportherapy and the traditional balloon method.
For those of us not chowing elegant edibles or using an electronic vape, we’re in need of FIRE! Hempwick is fab, as are vintage matchbooks (hell—anything but those blowtorches the kids are dabbing with). The S.T. Dupont Prestige Collection Diamond Nights lighter is beyond belief and frankly ridiculous—which is why we’re highlighting it. Inspired by Persian architecture, the $30,000 limited edition is stunning, sophisticated, and, unlike your disposable Bic, not to be left at a friend’s house. If you’d prefer to upgrade from the $30,000 Nights edition, ya can kick it up a notch to the S.T. Dupont Prestige Collection Diamond Rain version—containing 1098 diamonds. Make it rain, bee-otch.
Frenchy fashion house Hermès has been making smoke accessories since Louis XVI’s head rolled into the Seine. This porcelain Hermès Mosiac Ashtray is only $830. Priceless? Hardly! ($830) Senseless? Indeed!
Whether it’s sweet or spicy or has hints of lavender (or Labrador), maintaining aroma and freshness for our flower requires a quality humidor. The best stash box designed for dope is the Cannador… but our over-the-top fave is the Imperiali (below). The Swiss-made Imperiali Geneve dials in constant humidity and perfect self-regulating temperature. The hand-made humidor has 2,675 components (including an internal gas lighter and tourbillion watch) and costs one million Swiss francs. How much is that, you may ask? More than you have… and since only twelve Imperialies are being made a year, forgetaboutit.
The Imperiali comes with Cubans, but I suggest swapping ‘em out with the CannaGar, the World’s highest-end cannabis cigar! Using fine cannabis (from Seattle grower Gold Leaf), each cigar is hand-rolled and cured. Chock full of 9.5 ounces of bud, the CannaGar is then covered in three grams of rosin oil and wrapped in at least two layers of gorgeous, pure cannabis leaves. Cost? $420, of course!
For the organic gardening types who like to make their own home-brewed Kombucha, there are great grow systems for cannabis, including the Supercloset, Yofumo and BloomBox. The Leaf advertises itself as a “Plug-n-Plant” home growing system that fits into a small apartment and still leaves room for the flatscreen. With a high-tech monitoring system that puts baby monitors to shame, the Leaf supposedly handles it all: light, ventilation, even nutrient levels! The size of a mini-fridge, the Leaf only fits two plants (yielding between four and five ounces of pot). At $3000 for the machine, that’s some spendy weed.
If you’re super tight on space, the Root Indoor Garden is a counter-top sized gadget that can grow lettuce, tomatoes, culinary herbs… oh, and clones (or auto flowers)! The Root includes an LED grow light and a hydroponic system that infuses nutrient-rich water directly at the roots, letting you grow in as tiny a space as a micro-flat.
Of course, anyone wanting to grow their own will need a guide on gardening, so why not blow $500 on a lovely coffee-table book! Three A Light is beautifully illustrated and leads readers from seed to harvest, though, frankly, we’d save $475 and buy something from master gardener Ed Rosenthal.
Some of us are too lazy to get out of the house, much less grow our own ganja. Luckily, in many markets there’s home delivery! A company called Club M does subscription service, delivering a luxury box full of curated cannabis products and accessories each month. Their limited-edition gift box is the M1K (see below), and the K stands for the cool grand a month you’ll be paying for your ganja goodies. They’ve also got $100 subscriptions if you want to dial it down a notch. The AuBox is another upscale option, with specialized categories including edibles, intimates, beauty and even pet boxes.
So long as we’re upping the ante, there’s no reason the Donald Trump crowd can’t get in on the action. (Seniors are, in fact, the fastest growing cannabis-using population, not to mention the legalization of cannabis is a states’ rights issue which the Republican-minded should appreciate.) Palm Angels have some comfy Italian-made slippers that would make Hef proud, and come with embroidered golf leafs.
For high society tee-time, you’ll also need the Jane West golf tees that double as one-hitters or the Pitch n’ Putt containers from Puffingtons that allow you to store your stash in a golf ball. After all, if you ARE having to spend time with a right-winger, something needs to make those 18 holes more tolerable…
Don’t forget to ditch the golf cart and ride the Hemp Roadster! The so-called Cannabis Car has a hemp body and is made by Renew, a Key West car designer. The high-performance roadster features a Mazda chassis and a composite shell made from interwoven industrial hemp fibers and resin that are lighter and more durable than fiberglass. Though the green machine doesn’t run on cannabis—it uses a feel-good fuel called BioButanol—made from recycled agricultural waste, with a carbon footprint that’s 20 percent cleaner than electric cars. Currently in the prototype stage, you can get on the list for this gorgeous two-seat convertible, but you have to put down the full price: $42,000.
In the end, of course, you don’t need a little red convertible or $100,000 bong to make you happy. You need good cannabis and a loving community (SEE! The Counter Culture is alive and well!). Still, it’s fun to have fancy gadgets, and my personal favorite is a vape pen called the Grasshopper. Made out of sturdy titanium, this elegant device fits right inside my jacket pocket and alongside my journal. Problem is, sometimes I forget my real pen. #Stoner.
Find your own elevated bliss, and enjoy the High Life!
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Higher Ground: The Stusser Omnibus Marijuana Bill
A modest proposal to head off the awful Senate Bill 5052.
Last week, three U.S. senators introduced a bill that attempts to amend many of the outdated medical-marijuana conundrums at the federal level. The bill would end the prohibition of medical marijuana, reclassify the plant from its current designation as a Schedule 1 narcotic (a status that suggests no medical value and high potential for abuse), and allow for more cannabis study and research. While the bipartisan bill doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of passing, it’s a great conversation starter.Inspired by those ballsy senators—and in fear of the awful Senate Bill 5052 that is currently wending its way through Olympia—I’ve decided to take my own shot at solving Washington state’s own clusterfuck. So without further ado, I present the framework of my own Omnibus Marijuana Bill.
Let my people grow! I mean, really. Every other state that’s legalized marijuana has allowed citizens to grow for personal use, and we should too. It’s a no-brainer. Put a limit on the number of plants per person (six per adult, perhaps, or higher if used for medicinal purposes), and, like tomatoes and snap peas, allow folks to play in the garden. (Probably not a great plant for community pea patches, but fab for collective gardens for medical patients, many of whom are too sick to tend to the crop themselves.)
Regulate medical dispensaries. The state estimates that there are more than 1,000 dispensaries, operating all willy-nilly. While many are clearly fly-by-night operations that don’t check ID, a good number have been instrumental for decades in helping the medical community find strains and products and oils that help patients. So it just makes sense that any longstanding, established dispensary should be allowed to continue operating. Hell, I’ll pick a random number that can be allowed: 420.
No medical registry. The bill from Republican Sen. Ann Rivers that the state Senate just passed calls for the creation of a statewide registry for medical patients. Puh-lease. Patients don’t fear putting their names on the dotted line because they’re faking their illnesses to get cheaper weed, but because admitting to a felony at the federal level is a pretty bad idea. Patients can lose their jobs and have their children taken for this kind of admission. No registry.
Whack the taxes. Right now there’s a triple-decker tax structure in place: Recreational weed is hit with a 25 percent tax when it moves from farmer to processor, then again from processor to retailer, and again to the end customer. Pretty much everyone agrees a single tax is the best idea here—so pick a single sin-tax percentage and go with it. Too high, though, and I’m staying with my dealer.
Medical cards. Any patient with a qualified doctor who recommends (not prescribes) marijuana to alleviate suffering for terminal or debilitating conditions such as cancer, epilepsy, PTSD, and chronic pain should be allowed to purchase it tax-free at licensed medical dispensaries, just as citizens across the country (except Illinois) can receive their tax-free prescriptions for Ambien, Valium, Prozac, and whatever that purple pill is.
Free hemp now. My Omnibus Marijuana Bill is so comprehensive that I plan to roll hemp legislation into it, thus killing two buzzed birds with one stone: Legalize hemp for farming, commerce, and production, and just ignore the absurd bans on industrial hemp. Don’t be silly; the fibrous stuff doesn’t even get ya high.
Rec stores must stock medicinal products. Most of the individuals working to bring cannabis out of the shadows and into the legal mainstream were from the medical community—and riskily toiling long before the greedy Green Rush Potrepreneurs got in line for a Weed Lotto Ticket to make marijuana moolah. The least these green-lit licensees can do is stock their shelves with a small percentage of medicinal items in their inventory.
No pot, no pay. Cities and counties that ban marijuana outlets—either recreational or medical—will get absolutely no tax revenue from sales of marijuana. Period. In addition, as they are restricting both the will of the people and access for medical patients who may not be able to drive to places that do allow marijuana sales, these cities must build a FastTrack Elevated Electric Train system for their residents to travel from their homes to the nearest marijuana-friendly city.
Let’s get loungey! Pot lounges and cafes where adults can smoke marijuana are a safe and social way for folks to get fired up. Hell, even the Seattle City Attorney likes the idea. Allow for cigar lounges and smoky pool halls too! You don’t like ’em? Don’t patronize ’em! We’re not looking to be Amsterdam with a cannabis cafe on every corner—though if Howard Schultz wants to get into the franchise game, Starbuds is a damn fine name. Probably shouldn’t allow alcohol in cannabis clubs however; people get crazy on that shit.
This article first appeared in the Seattle Weekly.
